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"I know. Don't worry about
it... it wasnt a fair thing of me to ask." She hesitates, and her
tone changes. "I'm not used to this, Nick."
Nick asks very softly, "What are you used to, Mason?"
"To... being alone."
"I don't want you to be alone."
"I dont want to be either.... it's just hard for me to believe, or to remember to believe, that it's okay. I know you trust me, but... I dont trust myself."
He maintains eye contact while he speaks. "You should." He speaks this with fervent empathy, then drops his eyes, wondering if he was overstepping his bounds, looking at his fingers.
Mason feels tears well up and tries very very hard to not cry. She doesn't, but she shakes slightly.
Nick speaks very softly, gently commanding. "Come here, Mason."
Mason answers, just as soft, tone contradicting the steel of the words... "Don't tell me what to do."
~Don't touch me~ says Mason's body language as she sits silent, both anger and fear in the posture she feels frozen in. She is terrified that if he does she will lose it..
"Yes, of course. I appologize." He looks at her in abject confusion, feeling quiet defeat. "I should not have said that. It was wrong. You are in pain... I'm very sorry."
Mason very slowly breathes out... trying to calm down... not knowing even what is upsetting her so badly. "I... okay, maybe, I mean... my desires arent to make anyone unhappy... not really... you know?"
Nicholas nods. "Yes, I know."
"Why do I want things that feel ..... I wish I could stop. and just be normal or something. I wish I could just let you kiss me and hold me and all the rest of it... you know, like people do on TV." Mason hesitates. "I mean I could -but - I wish I wanted that."
Nicholas asks very softly, "What do you want?"
Mason opens her mouth, then closes it, almost totally at a loss for words to explain. She thinks hard then continues as best she can, feeling her way through the thickets of her desire like an explorer in a jungle without a lantern on a moonless night. "um... some of it is ok stuff... like... you might like it... to... well... like I could ... I mean I've imagined you...." She blushes, but, tries really hard to go on, in a near whisper, "...touch me and.... with your hands , and your mouth... help me come... um... it's differnt when someone else does it... nicer..." Her voice trails off as her throat catches, and her cheeks flush. "That part's okay.. I mean.. embarassing and all but okay..."
Nick waits patiently, trying to reign in his strong urge to hold her while she speaks.
"The bad part.. I mean.. the part that bothers me... is more like... well... you get so cute when you're confused... or... like.. when you got more comfortable... part of me... wanted to make you put the jacket back on... and go further.. not because I liked it better... just... just to see you uncomfortable?" Mason wasn't sure she was making any sense whatsoever, but kept going on, trying to explain what she wouldn't allow herself to understand. "That bothers me... "
Nicholas smiles, nodding. "I can see how that would bother you. You are very gentle of heart."
Mason looks away from him. "Yeah, but the more I get excited, the less it bothers me." Mason tugs on her hair, feeling really really bad about herself, just not wanting to go on
"May I ask you a question, Mason?" When she nodded, he went on, "Knowing I do not wish to be hurt, do you still wish to hurt me? I do not think this is wrong. I am merely curious." The gentle expression never leaves his face as he speaks.
"I don't know how to explain the answer.... no and sort of? Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't... and sometimes when I do it bothers me and sometimes when I do it doesnt bother me.. and afterward the not bothering me is what bothers me most?" Mason wasn't sure whether what she was saying was the truth or not. It felt as close as she could get, but she felt like there were parts she couldn't reach to tell him, because she couldn't see those places in herself to try to set them to words.
Nick nods, thinking over her words. "Your answer does not change my feelings for you - I cannot change my heart. I understand not being understood, nor understanding the things which motivate..."
"You know, I never talk about this. Never. How did you get me to talk about this? .... you're very, very special to me.... "
He smiles, brightening considerably. "I love you, Mason. You can tell me anything." he pauses. "My mother once told me... a truth for a truth. Shall I tell you something of myself?"
"Yes... please.. I'd like that a lot." She blinks, twice, replaying this in her head. He... loves her?
Nick nods, taking a deep breath and exhaling it slowly, calmingly, stretching in much the same manner he had the night before, before eating pizza. "When I was 12, I had a dog. His name was Argoth, after a demon I once read about. He was a mean spirited craeture - something I was never able to cure him of. One day he bit me."
Mason nods. She tries to listen.. but... he loves her? wow... in her head... still... ok... the demon named dog bit him...
"We had a tool shed where we lived, and I was outside playing with him. He began growling, and I listened to what him speak. He said he was going to kill me. I was very angry at him, and picked up the hoe our gardners used to maintain the grounds. I... I hacked him to pieces. I was very confused, but felt excited by the anger."
Mason listens quietly, an expression of sympathy and caring showing through as she tries to understand what he went through.
"I began crying, becasue the dog was still talking to me, even though it couldn't possibly have been. There wasn't enough of the head remaining for it to talk. The dog asked me if I was excited, and I answered truthfully; yes, I was. It said I should show it how much I loved him, for how horrible I'd been to him while he was alive."
"Oh... that must have been terrifying...."
"I ejaculated on the corpse." He drops his eyes. "I've never told anyone that truth, Mason." He stops, thinking. "It was scary... that I would do that."
Mason nods, not quite totally comprehending, but feeling an overwhelming flood of sympathy for him. "I love you, too, Nick..."
Nicholas smiles. "I am glad. It is nice, being loved in return. May I hold you now?"
Mason nods in complete agreement, goes into his arms, and holds him close, trembling just slightly.
Nicholas wraps her in his arms, resting his head on top of hers, stroking the back of her head. "Yes, I am quite in love with you."
"Me too, me too," Mason softly sighs and molds her body against his.
Nicholas enjoys the warmth of her body, pressed against him, continuing
to stroke her hair softly. "Will you... would you care to stay the
night?" He tenses ever so slightly, awaiting her response, wondering
if now is the proper time to ask.
Go on to Part III Dreams